Negative Reinforcement

A further word about warning signs, if I may. In the shared toilet here in the Merlin Laputta office there is a sign saying: “Please do not throw tissues tothe [sic] toilet bowl. Thank You.” I’m starting to like these toilet signs because I don’t see them anywhere else; there must be something about the toilet which makes people susceptible to suggestion, or perhaps makes people feel comfortable telling others what to do (or, as is often the case, what not to do). There might be something in that for the justice system.

This particular sign is innocuous. There is a missing gap between the ‘to and the ‘the’, but I don’t care about that (I’m actually impressed I managed to say a “the the” sentence just now (and now I’m even more impressed I’ve just said a sentence with “a the the” – sounds like I’m sneezing (wow, see how many brackets I’ve got in this sentence))).

I’m also very happy to see the words ‘thank’ and ‘you’ separated, as they are often compounded nowadays, but even that wouldn’t have bothered me; I’m trying not to be a grammar snob. The problem is I honestly can’t figure out what I’m supposed to do, or not to do, in the toilet, and I’m going through options in my mind. Here’s a list of possible options I’ve considered (please let me know if you can think of any more):

1. Use tissues for whatever purpose you have, but throw them on the floor
2. Use tissues for whatever purpose you have, but put them gently into the toilet bowl, preferably with your little finger sticking out
3. Use tissues for whatever purpose you have, but then do anything else other than put them into the toilet bowl (suggestions: talk French to them, soak them in your armpit sweat, put them back on the roll where you found them)
4. Stop playing fetch with the toilet, it is not a dog
5. If you are using tissues far away from the toilet bowl (and why are you doing that?) throw them on the floor
6. If you are using tissues far away from the toilet bowl (and why are you still doing that?) put them gently in the toilet bowl at a close distance, pinky optional
7. If you are using tissues far away from the toilet bowl (come on now, this is getting silly) do anything other than put them into the toilet bowl (suggestions: wrap them into a sandwich and feed them to the receptionist, paste them to the wall in a post-modern protest against hats, quickly design a shuttlecock out of them)
8. Do anything you like other than throw tissues to the toilet bowl (suggestions: throw tissues in the toilet bowl, confuse yourself by hiding in a box, perform a karaoke segue of pre-1985 Billy Joel songs)

All of the above are possible outcomes of the warning sign in the toilet. It’s enough to give me nightmares. I’ve a feeling the closest I am to understanding the request is number 6, and I assume it’s to stop people running in and throwing used tissues at the toilet from the door. Alas, this is only an assumption and I’m frankly scared someone might walk into the toilet one day and ask: “why on earth aren’t you talking French, Michael? Come on, now, get to it. And let’s see that little finger while you’re at it!”

This time I avoided singing Billy Joel songs inappropriately – granted that’s a first for me – but I’d prefer to be faced with signs that are clear, directive and don’t lead to confusion. I quite like the idea of toilet signs preventing catastrophe, there’s definitely something in that, but as I’ve mentioned before let’s keep these signs positive, please, positive.